Purposeful Parent Tip: Saying Inane Things to Your Children is Inevitable…and OK!

“Why can’t I stay up longer?” “Why can’t I have another piece of cake?” “Why can’t I see that movie?” I used to answer those endless ‘why’ questions from my children with long explanations in which I hoped to illustrate that there were very good reasons why they were not permitted to do certain things. I felt it was important that they understood that I was acting in their best interest and they’d learn something. Then the pre-teen and teen years started and my explanations stopped. Cold.

Don’t get me wrong. I still get the non-stop “why” questions, but my responses are now much shorter (and sweeter in my opinion!) What do I say when my kids ask for the millionth time why they can’t have the $150 sneakers or dye their hair blue? Simple. I say what my parents said to me. “Because I said so!” See? I told you it was simple.

Now, if I’m lucky enough to have an expert child psychologist reading this post, I’m certain they will comment on my response choice and the implications of being so dogmatic. And I’d say to them, “Well, I don’t always respond in this way. Sometimes I do expand my answers. Like the time I said, “Because I pay the mortgage and you don’t.” Or the time when I said “Because I’m the mean mom.” That was a really good one, don’t you think?

Perhaps it’s because I’m an older mom and my patience is non-existent, or it could be that I used up all of my really good answers when my kids were little and now I got nothin’. Or…now stay with me on this. It’s “because I said so” really is the right answer.

I’m sure I lost a few folks with that last sentence but that’s ok. A few years ago, I would’ve clicked off this post too. I swore when I had kids that I would not say such inane things and that I’d do things better than my parents. (Side note: they did a pretty good job actually. It just took me a really long time to realize it.) I wanted my kids to understand why things were the way they were. I wanted them to feel good about being a part of my thinking process in making decisions about their well-being. Let’s face it.
I wanted them to like me. Plain and simple. I wanted to be their…friend. As I said, that was then. This is now.

I recently was a guest on the Youth Movement radio show (www.ftns.co) with host, Anthony Scire and we chatted a little bit about being your kid’s friend vs. being their parent. I told him that it is not in the child’s best interest, nor yours, to be their friend while you are still parenting them. It confuses them in my opinion and sets you up for bigger problems down the road.

As I said, when my kids were young, they got long explanations of my negative responses. After becoming a single parent and carrying most of the parenting weight on my shoulders, I quickly saw that this approach was not sustainable. With a full-time job, a house, and two active kids, I simply did not have time to go on and on about my  decision making process. And truthfully, all they needed to know was that the answer was ‘no’.

My children were young when I got divorced so they were not too impacted by my “parent as friend” approach and I was quickly able to reverse the trend. I’m glad I did because today’s “why’s” are a lot more complicated and while there are times when I explain myself, at the end of the day, when the answer is ‘no’, it’s ‘no’.

Don’t be afraid to be the bad guy (or gal) with your kids. Don’t be afraid to be the parent. Embrace this role especially in the early years. There will be plenty of time to be your child’s friend when they are adults. And believe me, they will need you more then as a friend than you know it.