Purposeful Parent Tip:  Give Your Kids the Opportunity to Make Their Own Decisions. Even if They’re Not the Best Ones.

“Do you want carrots or cucumbers?” This was the question I’d ask my son while preparing his lunch as a young toddler. I figured no matter which vegetable he chose; ultimately it’d be a good decision. At the time, I felt I was empowering him with his food choices and by letting him make up his own mind; he could stretch his decision-making
prowess. To paraphrase a common saying, “Little kids, little decisions. Big kids, big decisions.”

The other day a friend of mine sent me the following quote from the daily Jerry and Esther Hicks messages from Abraham:

“Parents don’t want their children to make the wrong decisions, so they don’t allow them to make the decision. And then the child becomes dependent, and then the parent resents that, and it gets off into a blameful thing early on. If you are encouraging children to do all that they can do — and not squelching the natural eagerness that is within them, so that they can shine and thrive and show you and themselves how good they are at adapting to physical experience — then everyone wins.“

When I read it, I knew there’d be a blog entry forthcoming! There are so many intricate messages and lessons embedded in these few sentences, that I didn’t know where to start. The pattern of making your children’s decisions for them sets up a domino effect for the rest of their lives.

I can remember early on, when my children were toddlers, perhaps a bit older and I let them pick out their own clothes. Now I did this for one main reason and that was, as a divorced mom, I did not need one more chore to do. As long as their clothes were clean
and weather appropriate, I had no preference as to what they put on their little bodies.

I had friends and colleagues say to me (ok, mostly other moms), “But what if they don’t match? What if their friends make fun of them?” My response was “If I tell them their clothes don’t match, they will ignore me. If their friends tell them, they’ll never wear that outfit again.” It’s a win/win situation as far as I saw it. They got to make their own decision and if it was a poor one, they’d self-correct. I had one less thing to do and I had empowered my kids. See? Win/win!

Those decisions were easy however. I’m not sure that going to daycare with a floral shirt and striped pants would be considered one of the worst mistakes my kids ever made. (Of course now that they are older – it would definitely qualify!) There have been many decisions I’ve made for my children over the years like which camp they’d attend or classes they’d take. And there were lots of opportunities for me to make other decisions for them, like who they should be friends with or who to invite to their birthday parties.

Had I done that however, they would’ve missed out on some real learnings. Did they learn these things the hard way? You bet they did. Will they likely remember these lessons? I sure hope so. While it was difficult for me to watch my daughter continue to try to be friends with someone who was just not good for her, she finally learned and
saw this on her own. I could’ve stepped in and put an end to it, but she would’ve ignored me anyway and that would’ve put us in opposite corners. This is not what I want my relationship with my daughter to be like, especially as she begins to enter the crucial pre-teen and teen years.

My parents drilled one thought into my head over and over throughout my life. They wanted to be sure that I was strong and independent – that I could take care of myself. I also want this for my kids so I taught them how to do many things on their own since they were young. They know how to sort laundry, clean a bathroom, load a dishwasher,
and shovel a walkway. These are what I consider “nice-to-have-skills”. But the “must-have” skill is the ability to make their own decisions, accept the consequences of that decision and learn the lesson no matter what the turnout.

Let your kids make their own choices. They will make bad ones – no doubt. But if they aren’t ever given the chance to make a decision, they will never be the independent, self-sufficient adults we want them to be.