How to Parent Teenagers

cucumber plantThis summer, I decided to have a mini vegetable garden consisting of tomatoes, cucumbers, basil and parsley. I had the brilliant idea of planting the tomatoes and basil in the same pot and foolishly listened to the garden expert who told me that as long as I trestled the cucumbers, they’d be fine.
The results?

A tomato plant that still hasn’t yielded a tomato larger than the size of a kumquat. Basil that is dwarfed by the shade of the tomato plant leaves. Cucumbers that are not only misshapen but inedible. However, my parsley is doing great as it was planted in a pot all its own.

So I failed at my 2015 vegetable garden. Big deal, right? I can head to the farmer’s market or when I go to Long Island, I’ll snag some of my dad’s bounty.

There’s only one reason for this mishap. I overlooked a very basic principle not only of gardening but of life. You can’t change something into what it is not. This applies to cucumbers as well as children.

Like so many, my children headed back to school yesterday. My daughter was off to high school; my son started his college classes. Two different milestones; two very different children. I’ve written many times of the differences between my kids but they were never so evident as I watched them head into their respective chapters yesterday.

My daughter easily awoke at 5:45 a.m. and readied herself for this most important day. Not a word was spoken until it was time to go. Her mind focused not on the immense building she’d have to navigate nor the honors classwork she’d be tackling. Her thoughts were on her outfit – her designer jeans, cool sneakers, and makeup. (Yes, Mom, I let her wear mascara.) She walked out the door and never looked back.

As I watched her head down the driveway, I couldn’t help but remember this same day with my son – a short four years ago. Unlike his sister, his first day musings were on the first-ever bus ride, finding his classes, and wondering if he’d see a familiar face to help calm the butterflies. His journey down the driveway on those first days was filled with multiple glances back at me followed by as many waves of goodbye.

Even though they both started their first day of high school on opposite sides of the spectrum, the end result was the same. Both arrived home with smiles, having found friends and classes with ease, and a confidence about their days ahead.

Two different beginnings resulted in the same ending.

There’s very little my son and daughter have in common. They don’t look like siblings, their personalities are vastly different, and their approaches to life couldn’t be more opposite. My son, quiet and contemplative, stresses about new beginnings. My daughter, not so quiet, embraces change with gusto. Both paths work well for each of them and this will likely never change.

There are times when I wish my son was more outgoing like his sister. Likewise, I wish my daughter was not so much of a risk-taker. I’m pretty certain this wish won’t come true…and why should it? I’m not here to change my children into something I want, but to nurture and coach them into people who can thrive on this planet of lunacy called Earth.

They each have strengths. They each have gifts and talents. They each will be successful in their own way. I just need to put them on the path and trust that their God-given abilities, along with hard work, will help them achieve their goals.

I may have failed at my attempts to grow my cucumbers like tomatoes but I can recover from this mistake. Trying to turn my kids into something they’re not – well, that’s a mistake with far-reaching consequences.

I’m ending my summer with store-bought vegetables, but I’ve learned a valuable lesson. When you let things and people be what and who they are meant to be, you’ll get more than a tasty salad. You’ll get success.

Jen’s Gem: Recognize and celebrate the special gifts your children have.

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