Purposeful Parent Tip:  Do one thing really well every day.

I just finished reading, “Just Let Me Lie Down” by Kristin von Ogtrop. I recently had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Ogtrop at a local Ladies Who Launch event and she is just as she is in her book – funny, inspiring, a real mom. While reading about the trials and triumphs of her parenting journey and her quest to simply be able to lie down, my mind kept going back to the movie “City Slickers” and Mitch’s (Billy Crystal’s character) question of Curly (Jack Palance’s character) – “What’s the secret to life?”

Curly simply lifted his index finger. The message of course, was that the secret to life, to happiness, is to focus on one thing and do it really well instead of doing a million things and doing none of them well.  In theory I would agree with Curly. In practice, a little harder, especially for working moms. If they focus only on their career, their children and family suffer. If they focus on their families, their work suffers. How do you choose? Why do you have to?  Can’t moms have it all?

I suspect there are moms who can have it all IF they have the necessary support systems in place to help them succeed. A loving husband, partner, family member to help with the child-rearing responsibilities, a job that has flexibility, and perhaps a friend or two who can take over the car-pooling when they are stuck at work or ill. For many women, this is not the case.

Our society continually highlights the lives of celebrity moms who supposedly have it all, but they fail to mention that many of them have nannies, chefs, personal trainers, and chauffeurs who all help to keep the wheels moving. To the average American mother, a posse such as this does not exist. The multiple hats are worn by one, maybe two people. Add this logistics nightmare to the existing Supermom Syndrome and you have a recipe for one stressed out mommy.

Work demands force moms to make choices like leave early to attend their child’s recital and be viewed as a “slacker” or disappoint their child. I recall in my early career, before I had children, that moms were looked upon this way. People judged many working moms harshly. They didn’t work as hard, didn’t produce as much, or were not dedicated. I had no idea of the inner turmoil these women faced every day. Then I had kids.

The first day back from maternity leave was horrific. I cried when I left my son at his daycare provider’s house, I cried all the way to work. I struggled to keep my emotions
in check so I could at minimum respond to the myriad of emails that had accumulated during my maternity leave. I was blessed to have a very understanding manager (a man) who came to my desk about 2:00 pm and told me that I could go home. He understood how hard it must’ve been for me on that first day. This is a rare find in corporate America and I’ll never forget it.

Nearly every day I had choices to make. Do I put my kids first or my job? Being the primary breadwinner in our family, most of the time, I chose my job.  Did I make poor choices at times that impacted either my work or my family or both? I sure did. Did I give up taking my kids on a summer vacation many times because I felt compelled to be at work? You bet. Did I stay home with a sick child and feel guilty all day? Yup.

My children are older and now I am at home running my own business. The days of having to choose between my work or my kids are behind me, for now. But for many women, this is an ever-present reality. They must work or for some, they want a career. So how do we make this work out so everyone wins?

I sound like a broken record, but I just know that it comes down to the village concept again. If we involve our respective “parenting villages” then there’s got to be a way, right?  Assign certain people the tasks they are good at and enjoy and the job gets done. Isn’t that how teams work? There aren’t 5 quarterbacks on the football field at
once – there’s an entire team working together to win the game.

We need to rally around parents more. Employers, schools, community all need to come together and embrace each child and provide the support that parents need to raise their children and not lose their minds, or their jobs. Because don’t we all want the same outcome? Employers want happy employees. Parents want well-adjusted children. Seems to me that if we have a common goal, then we should be helping our team achieve it.

Focus on one thing and do it well. Let’s focus on building our parenting villages so that everyone can win.