Purposeful Parent Tip:  Be prepared for Plan B when buying computer-driven toys.

I have a Bachelors degree in Information Technology and an MBA in Marketing Management. I do not share this information to impress you, but to convey that I’m a reasonably intelligent woman. Except in one area.

Technology-driven toys.

Sorry folks, in all of my years of buying gifts for my kids that have some sort of gadgetry included, I’m stumped. The cars never did their loop-de-loops around the track, the talking animals never spoke a word, and the dolls didn’t pee after they “drank” their ba-ba’s.  Why do toy manufacturers continue to torture parents with this? What’s wrong with blocks or games or puzzles?

My daughter was recently given a Figit Friend™ for Christmas by her dad.  I knew from the moment it was taken out of the box that I was in trouble. As soon as my daughter said, “It talks to you and responds to your questions”, that was it. The sweat started to form on my brow. I began wringing my hands. I felt a slight headache coming on.

My first reaction was to freak out, but technology has come a long way since Hot Wheels race tracks and I figured we’d be ok.

Its first sentence – “What do you want to do?” pierced my eardrum with its tinny computer voice. My daughter responds, “Dance with me.”  Its response? “Do you want to hear a joke?”  “Sure”, she responds. Trend-setting Willa proceeds to tell a joke about a pig in martial arts being named ‘Pork Chop’.  Little Willa gets a kick out of her joke and proceeds to laugh in a freak-ish, micro-chip sort of way.

Once again, Willa says, “What do you want to do?” My daughter says “Dance with me” again. Silence. Then I hear the five most dreaded words in the English language from her.

“Mommy, why doesn’t it work?” Arrrgh!

“Did you read the instructions?” I ask.  She promises she did. My daughter is pretty
smart so there’s no pulling the “you must’ve done something wrong” line with her. “Hmmm”, I say. “Maybe it needs new batteries.”  My daughter looks at me with a confused look in her eye and says, “But it’s brand new.”  Rats, I say to myself.

“Ok, let me take a look.” I take little Willa (whom I secretly want to throw against the wall), and inspect her from head to toe. I try giving it the commands to talk or tell a joke or dance. It does everything except dance.

“Maybe she’s not supposed to dance”, I say.  Then I hear the other five most horrible
words in the English language.

“But she dances on TV!” Double arrggh. So, we gather up the torn box and other packaging and prepare to take little miss Figit Friend Willa who refuses to dance back to the store for a replacement.

(Hint: DO NOT let your children unwrap these kinds of toys. They will rip the box open, throw away all required paperwork, tie-wraps, and other non-essential cardboard that will make it extremely difficult to return.)

I’m hoping they are sold out or have discovered that these toys are actually harmful to children so that I don’t have to get another.  But my daughter would be heartbroken. She was looking forward to this toy for months and now, is disappointed that it does
not do what it’s supposed to do. And her very smart mother with a degree in technology and marketing can’t fix it.

The only thing I can tell her is “It’s the toy company’s fault. They CLEARLY do not know how to program a computer-driven toy so that it works and their marketing stinks!”

Now, where’s that receipt?